Me….unedited! Warning!

Well it’s Monday again, which means that weight and health are on my mind!  I went to a Weight Watchers meeting again tonight and it helped to give me that boost I need to keep going.  So, that being said let me share something with you.  I have an app on my phone that my sister in law referred me to.  It’s called MyFitnessPal.  I’m sure most of you have heard of it before because it’s a pretty big deal, but tonight, after being at the meeting I decided to fill out my profile info.  In an attempt to gain friends, inspiration and encouragement through the site I decided to fill out my profile info and put up a post.  So rather than blogging twice tonight (because I’m tired and want to lay down for a bit!)  I’m just going to share with you what I wrote.  Here is an insight to my soul….

Hi everyone! I am a mother of 4 girls, and we are done having kids now so it’s my time! 🙂 I’ve got to get this baby weight off and set a good example of health and fitness for my little girls. Not skinny-ness mind you, HEALTH! That is my goal. I don’t feel that means a generic number, I feel everyone is different. Another goal of mine would simply be to feel good in my own skin. Not to be self conscious about how I look so often, enjoy time with my husband and kids fully. To be able to go out shopping and not have it be a miserable experience because nothing fits right. To feel like I’m something that my family can be proud of. To be in the maintenance stage and not have to obsess as much about this 🙂

A little history/bio quickly- I am one of 7 kids and 5 of us were girls 🙂 As any girl out there knows, we are mean as adolescents. With that competetion with sisters came obsession and struggles with size and beauty, and with that came eating disorders. I tried anorexia for a week, but that was hard to hide. So instead, I resulted to bulemia. I did that for a few months until it took control one night and scared me out of it. From that point on, I still struggled with my weight. Shopping has always been miserable. I hated swimsuits. I felt like I was the fat, ugly duckling more often than not. Now- this being said, looking back on pictures now it makes me sick to think that I was so miserable with who I was. I would love to have that body again! But at the time, I had a “cookie cutter” image in my head of what beauty was, and I didn’t fit that mold. I played sports, ate well, would exercise for a total of 2-3 hrs a day with all the activities I was in and yet was unhappy. Oh if only I could have that now! But……flash forward, years later after still continuing to struggle with all these things, I am now the mom of 4 BEAUTIFUL baby girls and self worth and confidence is way more important now than any cookie mold! I want to set that example for them so they don’t go through the same struggles I did. I want them to feel beautiful (which they hear all the time from Daddy!) and to compliment each other on beauty (which they’ve done) They do know that I am working on “getting smaller” but I’ve told them it is for health reasons and I hope they get that. We talk about what foods are healthy and what’s not and they really actually ENJOY water, fruits and veggies, milk, etc. They love their sugar and candy too, but keep it in moderation. If anything they are a great motivator and example for me. So….here I am! After years of this journey and struggle, yo-yo weight and fad diets I’ve GOT to do this. I’m done and this weight needs to go! 🙂

So there you have it……my struggle in a nutshell.  I’m discovering that once you open up about your struggles, they become a little easier each time to talk about, therefore making them easier to overcome.  This is good!  I didn’t talk about this issue much out loud…maybe at all….for years.  It was one of those deep dark secrets I kept bottled inside.  I felt like it defined me so much and only recently have I been able to work on letting that go.  I hope that in sharing my struggle and innermost secrets it will not only help me to deal with them, but maybe encourage and inspire someone else also.  Maybe to make the change you’ve been needing, to talk about your struggles more openly, or to change your own outlook.  I’ve come to the realization that this is me.  I am human, I struggle, I sin, I mess up, I have problem, I have issues.  Sometimes I can be mean for no reason, sometimes malicious.  I am quite messed up!  But….that being said….if all my dirty, deep, dark secrets are just swept under the rug then that is where they will stay until they are stirred up again because of a shift in my life.  If I put them out in the open, sweep them up and throw them away, then I can become a better person in the end.  Ultimately, that is what I want.  There are women in my life that I admire SO much and aspire to be like, but they are far from who I am now and maybe that is what I love so much about them.  It’s only been in recent years that I feel like I can lay ALL of me on the table and if you don’t like it, then you don’t have to take what is being offered.  BUT, if you are willing to love me for who I TRULY am, then I can promise you that I will love you back so freely.  Until I face my demons, they will never go away!  So here’s to the getting rid of the nasty and welcoming a wonderful change 🙂